Clammy Hands
by AshNox
Summary: Peter is rude, James is ruder and Remus is being a 'mock'. Can Sirius really make them all shake and make up?
1. Skiving

**Disclaimer: Everything Harry Potter belongs to J K Rowling**

"Have you seen Jilly?" Peter asked, putting his head into the dorm.

"Who?" Sirius asked, baffled.

"Jilly." Peter repeated. "You know. James and Lilly. It's funny because they do everything together, so they no longer have the right to separate names. Jilly. That's clever, no?"

"You thought all that through and you still decided to go with 'Jilly'? Remus asked, stretching lazily beneath his blankets.

"I thought you were ill." Peter said, pointedly.

"I am vastly too ill to want to go to double Transfig." Remus yawned, reaching for a half eaten bar of chocolate on his nightstand.

"Are you're ill, as well, Sirius? Or are you his nursemaid?" Peter said, crossly. "This sucks! I'm not sitting through double Transfig. on my own!"

"I am a nursemaid extraordinaire." Sirius pointed out. "And the 'Lames' won't miss Transfig. They're probably just tongue jousting somewhere before class."

"Yucky, Pads." Remus assured him, arching his back, fingers splayed, as he stretched, _again_.

Peter gritted his teeth in annoyance. "Remus." He said, crossly. "When you are hurt, you are all scrunched up and scared to move a muscle. There is _nothing _wrong with you."

"I can barely draw breath." Remus said, sighing happily.

"And _you, _Sirius, are just skiving!" Peter said, again, to Sirius. "Please come to Transfig. I won't have a partner, if you don't."

"You won't have a partner if I'm well enough to go with him." Remus pointed out, lazily.

"_Stop stretching_!" Peter exploded. "What the hell is _wrong _with you, Remus? Cat's stretch less than that!" Remus stopped mid-stretch, and laughed.

"It's just nice to actually feel well." He explained.

"And that's thanks to _us_." Peter pointed out. "_All _of us. Sirius might attack you, whenever you try to go maul innocents in Hogsmead, but you'd still be stuck in the Shack if _I _didn't trick the locks, if _I _didn't get Sirius and James past the Whomping Willow."

"Yes, you are just _the best_, Peter." Sirius assured him, patronisingly. "But you're still making yourself late, and you know McGonagall does hate late."

"I'll tell her you're skiving." Peter warned him.

"Moony will tell her I've been heroically holding him up while he vomits blood and tries not to fall in it." Sirius pointed out.

Peter hesitated, hearing the bell go for the start of lessons. "You haven't vomited blood, have you, Moony?" He asked, worriedly. They both laughed.

"No. I'm fine." Remus assured him. "Just resting up. Take notes for me, Peter?"

"I guess." Peter sighed. "But there isn't much to take notes on, in Transfig. It's all practical. There's not much I'll be able to do without a partner."

"Maybe only half of the Lames will turn up." Remus suggested, kindly. "And I will get myself out of bed for tomorrow's lessons. I promise."

"I'll get you some notes." Peter agreed, and ran back down the dormitory stairs, listening to Sirius's barking laughter.


	2. The Lames

"Lilly and I are not, _ever_, under _any _circumstances, to be referred to as '_The Lames_'." James announced, chucking his bag at the floor and flinging himself on his bed.

"That was Peter's idea." Remus told him.

"So was 'Ririus'." James said, trying not to laugh at his brilliant humour. "And 'Siremus', 'Lacks', or my current favourite 'Blupin."

"I'm glad you spent two hours of Transfig. so productively." Remus pointed out. "Ririus doesn't roll off the tongue like 'The Lames'."

"There was Remius..." James choked on his own laughter. "But that just sounded so _gross_. It doesn't help that both your names end in 'us'. There is a romantic 'us' joke there, but I didn't have time to fathom it, before the bell went. _Remius_!"

James dried his eyes as Sirius appeared, peeling off his Beater gloves and chucking them at his trunk.

"You've been practicing Quidditch!" James demanded. "You're supposed to be looking after Remus."

"I stroked his brow a bit. Held his clammy hand for a good hour." Sirius said; voice heavy with sarcasm. "This is what we term a 'lie', Prongs. It is a technique Remus has taught me, for avoiding lessons. One that only works on suckers like McGonagall and Trelawney."

"You really want to mock the compassionate hearts of those that let you skive?" Remus asked, getting out of bed and combing his fingers through his hair, to make it less bed-ruffled.

"And besides..." Sirius pointed out, giving Remus his hairbrush. "Moony was fine. If he hadn't been fine, he'd have wanted to be left in peace to sleep."

"You could have sat by his bedside, while he slept. Looking worried and thinking mournful loving thoughts about him." James offered.

"Or, crying into a hankie." Peter suggested.

"Sobbing into his sheets." James enhanced.

"His shirt."

"His hair."

"Or, you could have just bwushed his hair and cuggled up next to him."

"Not sure 'cuggled' is an actual word, Peter." James said.

"It's real. It's a special sort of cuddling that dog-people do." Peter told him. "It's like cuddling but..."

"Lick-ier?" James suggested, trying really hard not to laugh. "Pant-ier?

"_**Scourgify**_!" Remus and Sirius both cast, simultaneously.


	3. Clammy Hands

"...Idiots!" James exploded when he could next speak, spitting red streaked foam out of his mouth and coughing violently.

"Sirius was supposed to do Peter!" Remus said, quickly.

"No, you were definitely supposed to do Peter, Moony." Sirius told him. "James is my best friend... Hey, bestest best mate... Old buddy."

"Start running." James warned him, spitting more froth and using the sleeve of his robe to wipe his mouth.

"I can't." Sirius laughed. "It's cowardly and bad for my image."

"You both Scougified my mouth out, _at the same time_!" James snatched the offered drink from Remus's hands. "You are so dead, when I can breathe, and stand up without feeling like puking. I am _serious_. Peter, you get Remus. Where's Peter? Oh God! What have you put in this...?" He wavered and slumped floor wards.

"Wow. Smart move, Moony." Sirius laughed, shoving his hands under James armpits to haul him up. "What was that?"

"Not _so _smart." Remus lifted James's feet and they dumped him on his bed. "That was meant to be a calming draught. I am just _really _bad at Potions."

"He's still breathing." Sirius checked, at once. "And he does _look _calm."

"Maybe I am actually very _good _at Potions?" Remus suggested.

"You may be. He appears to be _very _calm." Sirius agreed. "Perhaps a little _too good _at Potions, Moony."

"I think you should stay with him, Pads." Remus suggested. "To stroke his brow and hold his _clammy_ hands."

"Ha!" Sirius laughed. "I knew that annoyed you. You, with your _clammy hands_!"

"It annoyed me because I don't have remotely clammy hands." Remus tried to explain, over Sirius's laughter. "But no one will ever know that, because I have no reason to ever hold hands with James and Peter. They are now, forever, going to assume I have clammy hands. That is upsetting, Sirius."

"I am sorry that you took it so personally." Sirius assured him. "I will fix it for you. I solemnly swear; I will personally make sure you have good cause to clasp hands with James and Peter, by the end of the day. Why don't you start by holding James's hand lovingly, _and dryly_, as he regains consciousness?"

"That's your job. You're his bestest ever friend." Remus reminded him. "I'm going to dinn..." He paused, halfway out of the door. Sirius smiled smugly at him.

"You have the face of someone who's just considered that it's not a good idea to waltz into the Great Hall, when you've been pretending to be too sick for classes all day.'

"Maybe... As I am _so _sick," Remus came back into the room and flung himself onto his bed. "You could maybe bring me a dinner, up here."

"Fine. As you're _so_ sick," Sirius mocked, pulling on his own robes. "…I'd better get one for Prongs as well. Don't let him die while I'm off House-Elfing for you."

"Just go get dinner." Remus told him, already behind his book.

"Just get on with holding his hand, then." Sirius said, mirroring Remus's tone. "...and dry the sweat off your hands, with your robes, first!"

"_Silencio!_" Remus yelled back, aiming his wand haphazardly at the doorway, but Sirius was still laughing at his own wit, as he left the Common Room.


	4. Pwongs and Weemus

"Ergh." James sat up, putting a hand in his mouth and gingerly feeling his tongue. "You thtupid fweaks." He complained. "Thoove thwollen by thung."

"That really wasn't my fault." Remus assured him, folding the corner of his book and putting it away.

"Thand thoo look thmug." James complained.

"And I look 'the mug'?" Remus asked, leaning forwards and trying not to grin. "Run that one past me again, Prongs."

"Thmug!" James said loudly. "Th-mug! Wiv a 'Th' vor 'Thlvtherin'!"

"Oh, '_Smug_'! With a 'S' for Slytherin." Remus nodded. "Yes, I understand what you're saying. I look _smug_. Good speaking, James... _Lily! Lily_!"

He jumped up, hollering for her from the door. "Come up here! James needs to tell thoo thum-thing!"

"I fate woo." James assured him.

"Do you hate me in a 'calm' way?" Remus asked, hopefully. James tried to speak, but snapped his mouth shut, shaking his head furiously as Lily swung into the doorway.

"There's something wrong with James." Remus told her, eyes sparkling.

"...He looks fine enough." Lily said, seeing that James was sitting on his bed. "...I'm so glad you're up and feeling better, Remus. It's so unfair on you. You can have all my notes, if they're any use. Although James's will probably be better."

"Actually, James said I couldn't use his notes." Remus told her, eyes cast down at his own feet, hiding an utterly irrepressible smile.

"Why? What do you mean?" Lily asked, shocked. "_James_?"

On the bed James clenched his jaw. "Ith okay." He muttered, bitterly. "Yooze them, Wemus."

"Did you just call me _Wee-mus_?" Remus asked him. "That's not a very nice joke, James. I don't mock your name... He's looked that angry since he showed up." He added, to Lilly. "Are you busy? I don't think he'll hex me if you're here. He's trying to convince you what a reformed character he is."

Lily hesitated, looking over at James, uncertainly. "I feel like I'm being messed with." She said. "What are you up to, James? I thought you _were _a reformed character."

"Yeth." James nodded, earnestly.

"And you don't think calling your friend 'Wee-mus' is a bit childish?"

At her side Remus gave a choked laugh, valiantly trying to pass it off as a cough. "You're not going to hex him, as soon as I walk out of this room, are you?"

"Woe." He assured her, shaking his head. Lilly gave him an amused smile.

"You better hadn't." She said. "I'll see you later, James. Glad you're feeling better, Remus, and you yell me if he so much as looks at you funny."

"I promise I will." Remus assured her. "I'm just glad someone can keep him in line."

"...Thoo are thow thed." James assured him, slumping on his own bed again. Remus grinned. He wandered across the room to peer out of the window.

"...Sirius is taking ages with that food." He complained, wiping at the condensation. He was looking at a wobbly reflection of the room, and the indigo sky behind the glass.

"_Wood_!" James assured him, bitterly. "I thon't care."

"It's not good. It's your dinner too." Remus said. "I'll tell Lily you hit me, if you keep annoying me."

"I fate woo." James said again.

"I hate woo too." Remus laughed.


	5. There was a pudding

Sirius and Peter returned with a plate each of steaming food.

"I got you extra, bestest mate ever." Sirius said; going over to James, who he was glad to find was conscious again. James was currently huffing crossly at Remus, who was reading on his own bed. "...Because it was totally an accident with the double scourgifying and with the poisoning, which was one hundred per cent Moony's fault... We all obviously love each other very very much, really."

"Getting James 'extra' is another way of saying that you have purposefully given me less." Remus pointed out, sitting up and taking the plate from Peter. "How kind, Padfoot. How very kind."

"Thust wignore whim." James said.

"That was 'Just ignore him'." Peter translated, getting out his Dream Diary and dipping his quill into his ink.

"_We _wiz weeing a _math-ive wock_."

"He is being a massive 'wock'." Peter added, helpfully. "Moony is... Not that I agree, of course."

.

"I am trying to give him extra food, to make him forgive us, Moony." Sirius pointed out. "Besides, I didn't even get your plate. Peter did. He might have gotten you extra, too."

"Did you?" Remus asked, looking up at Peter, expectantly.

"Err..." Peter stopped writing, glanced over at Sirius and James, who also waited impassively for his response.

He looked back at Remus, perched on his own bed. He was looking, as James had said, like he was being a massive 'wock'.

.

"...Specifically, no, I didn't get you 'extra'." Peter admitted. "Seriously though, look at your plate, Moony. How much food do you want? I got you a bit of everything."

"Why wasn't there a pudding, today?" Moony asked, poking at his dinner.

"There was a pudding." Sirius assured him. "It was jam sponge and cream. I didn't get any, because Prongs doesn't like it."

"I like it." Remus said, softly. He sighed and dug into the meat again, without looking at any of them. James snorted in utter exasperation.

.

"...I'll get you a pudding, if it's going to stop you getting like that." Sirius said, finally.

"_Woe_!" James exploded wildly. "_Woe! Wirius! Woe, woo won't! Woo Weak_!"

"What does 'woo weak' mean, 'Pwongs'?" Remus asked, smiling through his fringe at James. James, who was now on his feet, on his bed, flailing crossly. "Woe! _Woe, Wirius_!"

"That was 'No! No, Sirius!" Peter said. "And I think the previous statement was 'No! Sirius! No, you won't! You're 'weak?'"

"I am _not_ weak!" Sirius assured him. "I'm just kind. You're a 'wock', James."

.

"'_You freak_'." Remus clarified, for him, taking a small mouthful of meat and gravy. "James said you were a 'freak', Pads. Not 'weak'. It's hard to understand what he's saying, when he puts on that silly voice."

"_Aghhh_!" James screeched at him, angrily. He snatched his wand, trying to cast what was probably a silencing charm on Remus's mouth, but the mispronounced words stopped the spell doing anything, and he flung himself back down on his bed, fuming.

.

"So, do you think I'm weak, or a freak?" Sirius asked; when James had stopped snorting like an angry, deranged, deer.

"Wa wreak!" James hissed.

"A freak." Peter added, in case Sirius couldn't tell.

.

"...It's not like _you _didn't get me a pudding, Pads." Remus pointed out, eating another delicate mouthful of his dinner. "You got James _extra_; because you knew he didn't like the pudding."

"Yes. I _did_." Sirius agreed, crossly. "And now I'm sorry I bothered."

"You are _bloody lovely_, Sirius." Remus added, utterly genuinely. "Not one of us deserves you, in the slightest."

"I love you too, Moony." Sirius assured him. "Do you want me to get you a pudding? I'm not bothered, because I will actually punch James in a minute; if I have to stay in here, listening to him heavy breathing and beginning all his words with 'woo'."

.

"I don't see why _you _should get me anything, Pads..." Remus began but Peter cut him short, throwing aside his Dream Diary and getting off his bed again.

"Let's save time." He suggested, crossly. "You're obviously going to keep going with this until I, _personally,_ go back to the Great Hall and get you a bowl of jam sponge! So, lets just say you've said all your whiny rubbish and be done with it!"

He stormed back across the room and vanished down the stairs.


	6. Mischief Managed

"If I ask him for cream, will he hit me?" Remus asked, hesitantly. Sirius, lying on the next bed, stifled a laugh.

"_Why _will wit woo!" James shouted across at him.

"I will twit-twoo?" Remus asked, discarding his half eaten food and resting back on his pillow, smiling at the ceiling. "Like an owl, Pwongs?"

"Wit! _Wit!_ Wiv a 'W' wore 'Wufflewuff!" James shouted. "_Why _will _wit woo_!"

"You will hit me, if I ask Peter for cream?" Remus asked, lifting his head so he could enjoy James's furious face. "Lily isn't going to want to be in the Lames Club with you, if you go around hitting people, Pwongs."

"_Whut wim wup, Wirius_!" James yelled. "_Why weawly will wit whim_!"

Remus sighed, rolling over to watch Sirius laughing. "He's too 'cwoss' to eat his dinner now." He pointed out.

Sirius nodded, froze, and jumped up. "_You should stop it now and make up_!" He exclaimed. Remus hesitated, narrowing his eyes at Sirius's enthusiasm.

"And I should do that because...?" He asked.

"You should _shake _and make up. Because you're the best of friends." Sirius pointed out. "He made lame jokes. You messed up his mouth, humiliated him in front of his new girlfriend, and poisoned him. That makes you're quits. You should now _shake hands _and make up."

"_Oh!_" Remus laughed. "_That_. We should _shake hands_. Thank you, Pads. That was indeed thoughtful. Ten points to Gryffindor."

"I love you being a Prefect." Sirius assured him. "We should give ourselves more points than we do."

"Good point. Ten more points to Gryffindor!"

"Woo are woe-ff fweaks!"

"That better hadn't have been 'you are wolf-freaks'." Remus glanced over at him.

"Woe! _Fweaks_! W_oe-ff _of woo!"

"Both of us are freaks?" Sirius nodded. "That's nice, Prongs. Now though, you need to shake hands and make up. You started it. You said we cuddled, and in a disgusting manner."

"Also, Pads, he annoyed me with offensive names before your arrival in the dormitory." Remus told Sirius. "I am not keen to shake hands and make up with him until after he has gone on Lame Prefect Patrol. I have already thought of some very funny things to say to Lilly before 'Pwongs' and myself make up."

"_Woe_!" James screeched; getting off his bed, as Peter staggered back through the door, red cheeked.

"Right. You better hadn't be a 'wock' about this Remus..." Peter said, puffing.

"Good one, Peter." Sirius offered, politely. Remus blinked at his breathless friend. He looked, Peter thought, a lot like he was going to be a 'wock' about it.

"Dinner had already finished in the Great Hall." He explained, panting slightly. "So, I ran all the way to the kitchens, as fast as I could... But the House Elves had none left... There was a cake that they were decorating for Flitwicks birthday... I have a slice of that for you."

"What sort of cake?" Remus asked.

"Chocolate cake, with honeycomb."

"And does it come with cream?"

"Yes." Peter nodded, bringing the bowl over. "Yes, it does. Look, it looks lovely, Moony. Can we please just be quits, I have two essays and my Dream Diary to write? I can't do this all night."

"..._You can shake and make up, as well_!" Sirius exclaimed, gleefully from the far bed.

"Please, yes. _Thank God_." Peter admitted. He offered Remus the bowl and then, drying his hot hands on his robes, he gratefully shook Remus's offered hand.

"There will be no more talk of 'cuggles'." He promised.

"You have clammy hands, Peter." Remus told him. He rolled back onto his side to grin at Sirius before taking a spoonful of cake.

"Weeze. Won't. Way. Wheny-wing. Woo. Willy!"

"'Please don't say anything to Lilly'?" Remus asked, brightly. "Interesting. And I'm sorry, Pwongs but am I hearing you right? You want to call Lily _what_, during Lame Prefect Patrol?"

"Lames." Peter corrected.

"_Lame_." Remus assured him.

"And what's your lovely girlfriend's name again, Pwongs? Have you just given her the Marauder pet name 'Willy'? I think she might find that even less amusing than Wee-mus."

James didn't say anything, his eyes bulging behind his glasses. Behind Remus's back, Sirius mouthed urgently for James to shake hands, miming them doing so.

James stared at him for a moment before moving his gaze back to Remus, who ate another mouthful of cake. He licked cream off the spoon, like a cat that needed putting in a sack and throwing in the river. James closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath.

"Why_'m worry_." He said, offering his hand. "Can we wake wup, Wemus?"

Remus looked up at him, before dropping the spoon into the bowl with an irritating tinkle and accepting James's hand. He stretched again, arms flung up till they hit against the headboard, arching his back and yawning lazily, before flopping onto his mattress.

"Mischief Managed, Pads." He concluded. "Ten points to Gryffindor."

**AN: So that's the end. I ****hope I didn't make Remus seem too evil or Sirius seem like too much of a push over.**** (I was going for nice!)**

**If you don't mind, I would really really like to know if you could understand James's mis-pronounced words. Did that spoil the story? I knew what he was saying so I can't tell if it worked or not!**


End file.
